ExposedNYC

It’s I good thing I’m not a poker player, because I’m terrible at hiding how I feel. Even if my rational mind is completely convinced of one thing, my true intentions are written all over my face. I got an email today from a childhood crush I haven’t seen in years, announcing that he’s engaged. I knew we would never end up together, but I still felt a twinge of jealousy towards someone who hasn’t even crossed my mind in the last six months.

So, I tortured myself by going to their engagement web page and browsing through pictures of how happy they are together, while really trying not to judge her. Then, I sent a congratulatory email saying how happy I was to hear about things, what I’d been up to since moving to NYC, and that I’d love to meet her if the two of them ever came to town. I even convinced myself I meant every word of it.

But what was truly telling was my reaction when, within hours, I got an email back from him with his phone number saying “We need to talk”. What did this mean? Why did we need to talk when we hadn’t talked in years? And why couldn’t I wipe the smile off of my face at just seeing his name on my computer screen?

Then, after work, as I went to check my voice mail, I discovered a missed call from him, and a new voice mail! My heart was racing as I dialed to check my messages. At the first sound of his voice saying my name my knees went week- this guy had always had that effect on me. As it turns out, he was only calling because after reading about my writing ambitions, he had a professional connection he wanted to introduce me to. Although part of me was relieved, another part was definitely disappointed.

Is it arrogance that leads us to hope that everyone we’ve ever known is secretly still pining for us? All of my friends know that I can’t stand movies like Serendipity where the only way you end up with your soul mate is to break the heart of the wrong person you’re already with. But then, the second I was put in the same situation, part of me was wishing that just hearing from me had made him rethink things. How awful is that?!

I guess it’s easier to think that you already had it right in the past. Maybe I’m nervous about going out with Cash tomorrow, so I’m looking for excuses for why someone else would have been better. Whatever it was, I’m really going to try to be happy for him having found a woman he wants to be with forever. We should all be so lucky. But, that won’t stop me from saving a picture from the engagement album of just him and his mom, so I can still enjoy his smiling face. There really can’t be too much harm in that.

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