ExposedNYC

After watching LOST tonight, I got to thinking about father figures and their influence on our dating lives (a prevalent theme in the show for non-viewers). I’ve often heard that the relationship a girl has with her father will dictate the type of relationships she’ll have with men for the rest of her life. I’ve certainly seen influences of my father in my choices, but not always in the shape I would expect.

I like to joke that my father spoiled all men for me. I’m definitely a “daddy’s girl”, and think he’s one of the most amazing men on the planet. This is probably part of the reason why so many men I meet have a tough time living up to my expectations. I know it’s silly to expect to find a guy exactly like your father (and I don’t truly think I’d want to), but he definitely taught me some lessons that I’ve seen resonate through out my dating life.

First of all, he’s an incredibly intelligent man, and always treated me as the same. Growing up, if I came across a homework problem that I couldn’t solve, he never gave me the answer, but encouraged us to look for ways to solve the problem together. He included me in “adult” conversations earlier than even I thought I was ready for them. I’ve since always found intelligence an incredibly attractive trait in a man, and have no patience for someone who doesn’t respect mine. A good conversation can turn a cute guy into a gorgeous one, and a pretty face will only entertain me for about five minutes if there’s nothing going on behind a pair of sparkling eyes.

Secondly, he never defined my role as a girl. If I wanted to play football in the street with him and my brother, he welcomed me as his favorite wide receiver. If I performed in dance recitals, he was waiting backstage after every performance with a bouquet of a dozen roses. He accepted me as whoever I wanted to be, even when I had no idea what that was. As a result, I’ve never been good at falling into the traditional girlfriend role. I’ve been chastised because I don’t expect a guy to pay for the first date or want them to be afraid to talk sports, but I also don’t want to be treated like just one of the boys. I’ve constantly ended up with close male friends who come to me for a girl’s opinion, but rarely see me as girlfriend material.

Finally, he’s peaceful, spiritual, and artistic. His physical stature allows him to be intimidating, but he is absolutely opposed to violence. I am completely turned off by the thought of a man resorting to blows to “defend my honor”. I prefer a man with the strength to mediate or walk away from a fight than one who provokes one (so you can imagine my disappointment throughout most of my adolescence). I’ve tended to gravitate towards artistic types, but at the same time, want someone with convictions I can respect.

One thing definitely steered me away from wanting a man exactly like my father. I never had a cookie-cutter family, with traditional roles and a white picket fence, so I always gravitated towards all-American ideals. I wanted to find all of the qualities I admired in my father wrapped up in the quarterback of the football team or president of his fraternity. This fascination with being “normal” often clouded my judgment to more important qualities, such as compatibility or equal levels of commitment.

The problem is I could sit here and list the qualities I’d like in a man all day long, and if you presented me with someone who’s perfect on paper, he may still not be “the one”. I’ve dated guys who were the opposite of everything I described above, and turned down guys who my friends thought would be a perfect match because they were missing the “spark”. I may have an idea of the guy I’d like to bring home to meet my father one day, but more than anything, he’d like to see me with someone who makes me happy, and that’s not always something you can predict.

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