ExposedNYC

I had a bit of an epiphany last Friday night. I went out for a friend’s birthday party at Providence. After getting to the bar without much cash and discovering that they had a $75 minimum on credit card purchases, I justified having a few drinks that night (and convinced friends with cash on them to order on my tab!).

Not wanting to embarrass myself, I texted my friend Callie that I was going to use my best willpower not to call Canada. She wished me the best of luck, and promised not to be mad if I sent her a message every time I got the urge.

I did, however, get into correspondence with Fred. He was out drinking with some mutual friends, so when I left the party I went to meet them at another bar. We laughed, and flirted, and Fred invited me back to his apartment.

My cocktail haze agreed, but when I got there I realized something was wrong. It wasn’t so much that I felt like I was cheating (I met Canada a week ago, so there’s no commitment), but that I wanted something more. I left without any explanation other than, “You didn’t do anything wrong, but I’m going home,” leaving him confused, and probably a little frustrated.

I couldn’t put into words exactly what changed, but I just knew that I wasn’t supposed to be there. Maybe it was the spirit of the New Year, or my imaginary conversation where Canada asks if I’d been seeing anyone else, or just enough time for a little booze to wear off, but I decided I didn’t want to fall into old patterns.

I called Fred to explain the next day, and he took it surprisingly well. I didn’t tell him that I’d met anyone (because it wasn’t just that), but that I wanted us to focus on our friendship instead of just seeing each other at last call. The last time we hung out, he had asked, “Next time we hang out, can we do something that doesn’t involve drinking?” so I knew we would be on the same page. I don’t regret our previous relationship, but in the game of friends with benefits, sometimes the grand prize can block your view of future contestants, and I’d like a look at the competition.

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