ExposedNYC

We all know that the Oscars, much like Hollywood, are much more about appearances than talent. This became clearly evident when the crowd I watched with began criticizing the woman given the lifetime achievement award, who is fighting to cure cancer and supporting Teach for America, and who wore a gorgeous gown, for her lack of stage presence.

But, if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em, so I’d like to share a few thoughts on the sex appeal of some of the Hollywood royalty assembled last night:

Ladies- don’t listen to stylists who tell you that something ridiculous looks fierce. Seriously, Nicole, did your ridiculous bow double as a neck cushion so you could nap when the show inevitably ran overtime? And Jennifer- your red dress was hot as hell (and had everyone waiting to see if your boob would actually escape from it’s sequined confines), but a metallic-skinned shrug looked like Tom Cruise’s alien ship landed on your back and was trying to take you to Planet Scientology. We’re glad you escaped its clutches by show time.

Let’s hear it for the older ladies. Other than Meryl Streep (are you trying to prove that it was a stretch to play a fashion icon?!), Helen Mirren and Diane Keaton were hard at work popularizing “GILF” as a soon to be overused catch phrase.

And so many beautiful men, where do I begin. The timeless favorites never disappoint- Will Smith was charming and distinguished as ever, Clive Owen’s “you’ll-never-guess-who-or-what-I-was-just-doing-backstage” smirk is intriguing as hell, and I would gladly volunteer and pay to lick George Clooney clean after bathing in mud. There was a running debate among our viewing party on DiCaprio’s hotness (definitely better when the role requires him to lose weight rather than put it on- welcome to the plight of your supermodel girlfriends!), but we were all in agreement that Mark Wahlberg looks almost as good in a tux as he does in Calvin Klein underwear.

Honestly, though, personality can change everything. I never saw much in Steve Carrell that made my skin tingle (there was a reason he was convincing as a 40-year-old virgin), but he was strangely attractive in Little Miss Sunshine. Something about the scruffy face and darker sense of humor really worked for him. And we all know Scorsese could get any piece of ass he wanted in Hollywood tonight. Power is an amazing aphrodisiac.

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