ExposedNYC

I’ve been feeling a little disappointed lately. When Fred told me he was dating someone new, I expected our relationship to change, but I didn’t expect to be blown off completely. I’ve managed to stay friends with most other exes and didn’t expect this one to be different.

The problem is that it’s usually my choice. This experience has made me realize that most of the times that I actually like a guy he drops off the face of the Earth. The exes I’ve remained friends with are the ones that I’ve broken things off with. I guess I like to have my friends and kiss them, too.

It’s been tough to wrap my head around these feelings, because I truly don’t want him back. I genuinely like his girlfriend, and think they’re great for each other. I just hate that when you put the three of us in a room together, it’s never going to be completely comfortable again. I always feel like I have to half ignore him and overcompensate by talking to her, so I’m not really getting the friendship that I want.

This was the case at his birthday party this weekend. I stopped by late in the night, after seeing a concert, and felt strangely self-conscious even just giving him a hug. I know part of this is my own guilt complex, but I’m so concerned with making it obvious that I’m not a threat that I’m driving myself crazy. It also hurt a little that we got cut off while catching up, and he didn’t seem to give it much of a second thought.

More than anything, I hate that I put this much thought into it. Why is this guy so important for me to still have in my life? I can’t figure out if I just want to prove to myself and the world that I can be the ex who can successfully maintain a connection. I’ve always been stubborn when it comes to societal rules. If things are supposed to be weird, I want everything to be fine. If something takes years of experience to master, I always want to get it done in minutes.

I think another contributing factor is that I’ve felt a bit lonely in the city lately and don’t want to lose one of the closest friendships I’ve built. I have to put some serious thought into whether I’m being selfish here. He’s moved on, and I need to accept that my feelings are not, nor should they be, his first concern. I would gladly accept any advice on how to make that easier!

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