Can We Teach Movie Etiquette 101 in Schools?
I’m about ready to give up on seeing movies in theaters (and with the summer coming up, that’s going to be a serious sacrifice!). But seriously, I don’t remember the last time I didn’t leave cursing the manners of the general public. I’d like to institute a couple new rules:
1. Enough with the cutesy, clever previews with big name celebrities encouraging people to turn off their cell phones. I guarantee that the person laughing he hardest will later be the one whose cell phone rings during a moment of tension. Instead, let’s replace these with an announcement that if your cell phone rings, you have to pay an additional admission, and the penalty increases for every ring that continues until you turn it off. If you actually answer the call, you are banned for life. And while we’re on the topic, checking text messages during the show is like turning on a flashlight in a dark room. If you can’t devote two hours of your life to being unreachable, just wait for the DVD.
2. I get that sometimes you will want to comment to the person next to you, which I am totally okay with. This is why we learned to whisper at a young age. And just to clarify, a whisper is at a level that you would use in a crowded bar that you can’t hear your own voice over the movie, but the person you’re talking to can.
3. Wouldn’t it be great if this experience of watching a film once, in a room full of crowded people, cost less than buying the DVD itself at Target?
4. I understand that trailers have become their own art form, and even have their own awards now, but could you please not show me the entire movie? To give credit where credit is due, I’ve been impressed lately with comedies that use one punch line in the previews and another one in the actual film, maintaining the element of surprise essential to comedy. Not so much when the only redeeming moments in a movie have been quoted for months before it even comes out.
5. And while I’m making demands, as more movies approach the three hour mark, could we maybe trade out uncomfortable seats for La-Z-Boy recliners? No? Well, you can’t blame a girl for asking.
6. Trust me. Don’t see a movie in a Times Square theater. Just don’t. Ever.