I’m Just Not That Good at It (and could use a textbook)
I spent a recent night on the phone commiserating with Callie on the tumultuous world of dating. Both she and I managed to be successful in school, careers, moving away from home by ourselves, and many other things others struggle with. But we both seem to have a hard time with not just making a relationship work, but even finding a date.
As we got to talking, I ventured that one of the hard things about attracting men is that the people who are good at it often can’t or won’t share their secrets with you. The women I know who always have men lining up to take them out, I realized, is very often unintentional. Jodie, although traditionally gorgeous, is often insecure about her looks. Tracy remains friends and never breaks ties with any of her exes, leaving all of them thinking there may still be a chance for them one day.
What both Callie and I agreed upon that is most difficult is that what we’re good at is finding solutions to problems. Problem is, not many people are willing to give constructive criticism in the dating department. If everyone took a cue from the author of He’s Just Not That Into You it might make things a lot easier. I am definitely guilty of looking at relationships through fairy tale glasses and overlooking simple rational ideas, for example:
1. Don’t have higher expectations for a man than you do for yourself. Unless you’re built like Anna Kournikova or Giselle, don’t expect your man to have the body of a professional athlete or an underwear model. Sometimes his few imperfections can make you feel less self-conscious about yourself.
2. Don’t demand everything from one person. Sure, I’d love to meet George Clooney’s face on D’Angelo’s body with Jon Stewart’s mind and Trump’s bank account. But I honestly do try to be realistic. One person does not have to fulfill every need in your life. As the song says, that’s what friends are for.
3. We’re all confused. Women are supposedly allowed to be strong, aggressive and independent, and men should be able to talk about their feelings. But I still constantly see thoughtful men ridiculed for being “gay”, and straightforward women called “bitches”. This lack of defined roles leaves anyone free to do the approaching, but no one who is expected to, and who would jump at the chance of possible rejection?
It may not be much, but it’s the beginning of my dating commandments. I welcome any further advice from readers.