ExposedNYC

One of the most important things, in a relationship or a friendship, is learning how to fight fair. Now, I’m not talking about punching below the belt or pulling hair, I’m talking about the much more intimate War of the Words.

That whole “sticks and stones…” rhyme that we learn as kids is far from the truth. Words can often hurt deeper and last longer than a black eye or broken rib. But a willingness to work through a fight can show exactly how much you value the relationship, whether it just needs a band aid or it’s lying in intensive care.

I can still remember the first (and I’m pretty sure only) fight I’ve ever had with my best friend. We were in college, living together, and were both invited to an acquaintance’s bachelorette party. She decided to go, while I chose to go to a frat party that I didn’t want to miss instead. I didn’t realize how much this upset her until we both arrived home and spent the next 24 hours not speaking to each other. It was one of the strangest days of my life.

The next night I knew we’d be forced into the equivalent of a college cage fight- this time we were both invited to a party thrown by our neighbors across the street. I arrived first and made myself comfortable, but when she got there and sat across the room chatting with a group of people, I found myself strangely distracted and my anger was displaced with wanting to know what they were talking about. It felt completely unnatural for us to be sitting in plain view of each other without even acknowledging each other’s existence.

Luckily, as she was always the more mature of the two of us, she crossed the room and asked if I would follow her into that female haven of heart-to-hearts, the bathroom. The second she stepped foot across the imaginary chalk line dividing us, I knew that we were on our way to working things out.

For the next fifteen minutes, ignoring the angry pounding on the door from party goers outside doing the potty dance, we took turns explaining our sides. I hadn’t considered missing the party a big deal because I didn’t consider the girl one of my closest friends, and would have felt like I was intruding. I had taken the invite more as a courtesy since the bride-to-be knew most of my circle. My best friend thought it had been a selfish move, choosing bros over hoes, because the girl was from another town and didn’t have hordes of close girlfriends. She thought my attendance would have been more important than I realized.

Details aside, what was most important about that day was, even though each of us walked into the room thinking the other was wrong, we cared and respected enough to listen to their point of view, which turned out to be completely different than what had ever crossed our own minds. To this day we laugh about the fact that our first “fight” solidified our friendship as much as any of our other memories.

Friendships and relationships are bound to come across rough spots. Some can be resolved by talking it out, other times all it takes is a knowing look and invitation to coffee and all is forgotten. Words can hit hard, but even the harshest attack can be revived with a hug, a smile, or a sincere “I’m sorry”. What’s most important is that someone cares enough to be willing to take that first step.

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