ExposedNYC

One of my girlfriends said something to me yesterday that really struck a chord. As I was retelling the story of going out with Manning and maligning my urge to make any sort of contact, be it smoke signals or text messages, she stopped me and said “Stop analyzing and just tell me what happened.”

When did I become so obsessive? Growing up I read women’s magazine stories and saw characters portrayed on TV who picked apart every word and detail of their relationships. I wasn’t that girl.

Maybe because your love life is to a single adult woman what school is to any kid at a family get together- everyone is always asking you how it’s going. I was never one to be satisfied with the stereotypical “fine,” to get people off my back. I was an over-achieving, brown-nosing teacher’s pet who wanted my straight-A’s hung on the refrigerator for all to see.

When I got to high school and my peers began to dabble in Dating 101, I played it safe and stuck to what I knew. I would cheer at a football game, chair the committee to organize a pep rally, and then skip the actual assembly to hang out in the parking lot just to prove that I could fit in with the slackers and smokers just as much as anywhere else. And somehow I still felt a strong sense of self. I wasn’t running around to all of these different groups to please anyone else; I was desperate to please myself, and I wanted to be all of these things wrapped up in one.

But now, surrounded by bloggers, television dramas, and life in general telling me I should obsess, I do as I’m told. Only this isn’t me, not the me I want to be. When I stop to think about it, I don’t think it’s good for my maintaining an actual relationship to try to dissect the actions of someone I’ve spent less than forty-eight total hours with.

I love writing, on a daily basis, and the feedback and support that I get. What I need to learn is how not to let this subject consume my thoughts. I don’t want to define myself as single- I want to be a writer whose stories happen to reflect being single. I don’t want to be reaching to create updates on guys when nothing has happened just to continue a story. I need to live a life that cultivates interest, not try to create one in words. Wish me luck.

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