ExposedNYC

It’s always tough to come across a subject or a feeling that you can’t describe, especially when it’s the final blow in your closing argument.

I spent a recent evening out with a male colleague who I’ve known for a while, but haven’t had many in-depth conversations with. Over a couple beers, business talk turned to personal lives, relationships, and family stories and we discovered that we have an insane amount in common. We respect each other’s intelligence and ambitions, and although our upbringings were wildly different, they led us to appreciate very similar values.

Sounds like the beginning of a great relationship, right? Wrong. Because there was something missing. He asked me, flat out, if I would consider us dating and my gut didn’t hesitate a minute before turning him down.

But one thing I loved is that…
we had shared enough throughout the evening to establish a comfort level enabling us to talk about why. He asked me to list the qualities that I want in a man, and as I went through my ideals with him muttering “check” underneath his breath after each one, I tried to find the words to validate my decision.

The best I could come up with is chemistry- that indescribable feeling that you either have, or don’t have. He argued that since he possessed every other quality I described that I must be referring to physical attraction, but that wasn’t it. I have dated plenty of guys without traditional movie star good looks who still somehow managed to give me butterflies.

But, I was left feeling frustrated that I couldn’t convey my feelings. As a big fan of rational explanations and debate, I hate having to rely on, “I just know”. I also know that it’s no more satisfying for the other party to hear than it is for me to say.

And so, to comfort myself, I went home and watched The Notebook to validate that sometimes the most ridiculous and seemingly incompatible decisions are the right ones. One of the last questions he asked me that night was if I thought it was naïve to think that anyone ever gets all of the things they’re looking for- compatibility, loyalty, and attraction. Did I really know anyone like this?

This time I knew exactly what to say, and it’s the reason no one could ever convince me otherwise. Of course it happens, because I’ve seen it firsthand, thanks to my parents.

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