One of the toughest parts about dating is how many generally accepted rules there are that are completely contradictory. Bright Lights, Date City started an interesting discussion recently on being THAT girl.
People are constantly saying that you need to find someone who loves you for you, flaws and all, but Bachelor Travis Stork just wrote an entire book that advises women on how to avoid being one of eight types that pretty much encompass every woman who has ever lived at some point.
So, who are we supposed to be? Ourselves as long that self doesn’t conflict with what a guy wants? If there really is someone for everyone, shouldn’t there be guys who actually like THAT girl?
Although I appreciate the sentiment of “Just be yourself”, it doesn’t always work. What if “yourself” is undesirable (e.g. needy, dramatic, bitchy, etc.). I’m all for accepting who you are, but accepting other people’s reactions to who you are goes right along with it. If the image you present to the world and the type of person you’re attracted to don’t match, one of the two has to change
I also think it’s really hard to “be yourself” with someone, when yourself is absolutely influenced by your environment. I may be a rowdy, jersey-sporting fan on Super Bowl Sunday, then quietly appreciate the NYC Ballet while dressed to the nines in an opera house, and be completely comfortable lying in bed in sweat pants until mid-afternoon on a Tuesday. Which of these selves do I bring out on the first date? How do I gauge what the other person is going to appreciate?
Anytime a date doesn’t call after I think we’ve had a good time, I start to wonder what I could have done differently and if I could change his mind if given more time. I believe there can be a certain level of self-improvement taken from dating, the same way taping yourself in an interview can show quirks that you may not realize make an impression.
But how do you know what you did wrong?
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6 Comments
IDK, being yourself can be scary, but who the hell else are you supposed to be. I think the best way to get advice on improving on yourself is to ask your closest girlfriend (or even guy friend) to list your annoying quirks and your cute quirks. After all, they’re already thinking, ” My god, I hope she doesn’t do X on her date tonight.” Friends who really love you have the capacity to feel embarrassed for you and will offer advice if you would only ask. So, if there’s self-alteration to be done, I think that’s the safest way to go about doing it.
Posted Sunday, February 10, 2008 at 10:01 am | Permalink
The book could bring up some interesting stuff, but i find it really hard to take advice from a guy who was on The Bachelor!
Posted Sunday, February 10, 2008 at 11:22 am | Permalink
Chevy- that’s great advice! I’m asking all of my best girlfriends for their input, because I know from them I can take it
Posted Sunday, February 10, 2008 at 10:29 pm | Permalink
I have to agree. When I saw the show this guy was on, talking about his dating expertise and book…I was like, “Who made you the expert? After all, you went on The Bachelor and FAILED!” That show annoys me to no end. No one ever stays together…so, what’s the point?!
Posted Monday, February 11, 2008 at 1:37 am | Permalink
I agree with most on how can a guy be an expert when he is in fact still single himself this brings up the issue are men just too picky and even though being a little picky isn’t a bad thing you shouldn’t have to change who you are for a guy that may not even stick around the distance. I am not an eternal optimist on the subject of there is someone for everyone as you and many well know some people end up alone in the end but with a few close friends and that might just suit the person. But having decide which one of your great personalities do you take out on the first date then i would say the one you feel most comfortable because it is true beauty shines through in confidence and no matter what anyone says that is the one thing a man looks for in a woman first like women do to men. Strong jaw etc etc etc!
Posted Monday, February 11, 2008 at 7:03 am | Permalink
Um. Yeah. How About NO.
That dude who was on the bachelor is an idiot…
and you must be yourself…its only a matter of time before the REAL YOU shows up anyway.
I like to let them know right off the bat what they are getting themselves into. And likewise, Id rather NOT be surprised 3 months into a relationship…Not. Cool.
Posted Monday, February 11, 2008 at 4:17 pm | Permalink
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