One of the other tough dichotomies I’ve come across in dating advice is “Pursue what you want the way you would anything else in your life” vs. “It’ll happen when you least expect it so just stop looking.”
With most things I want in life I look for examples of other people who have been successful, do my best to add an original spin, and continue until it’s no longer fun for me. Applied to dating, this could mean I marry my high school sweetheart, go out to a bar and wait for guys to approach me, or embark on internet dating- all of which have resulted in settled friends.
Unfortunately, the fun factor has run out on each of these, and my personal spin can negate the reason for their success. I didn’t really have one definable high school sweetheart, my friend that gets swarmed by men is drop dead gorgeous (where I would begrudgingly call myself above average with a striking personality…), and I’ve taken one look at internet dating profiles in NYC and ran screaming to hide my head under a pillow.
So, this would lead me to turn my second option- stop looking. Problem there is that if I’m not putting myself out there, I’m not prepping myself for the unexpected. I’m not getting dressed to catch anyone’s attention, I’m running to the corner deli in sweats and a baseball cap to grab a mango and bag of potato chips to tide me over during the latest LOST episode. Translation- I’m doing whatever the fuck I want, and this does not put me in a good mindset to meet someone I’ll have to compromise in order to maintain a relationship with.
Sometimes I wonder if I lean a little too heavily on the latter theory, not letting my desire for a relationship weigh into my daily decisions at all. I would ideally like to settle down closer to my hometown rather than in NYC, but do I expect anyone I meet here to pick up and move their entire life? Probably not. I could also probably spend a little more time going out with single girlfriends to places where I’m more likely to meet available men. But, I’m just as likely to be at a movie with a platonic male friend, catching up with attached couples, or in a gay bar.
I realize that there are things I should do if this is truly a goal of mine, but when I made my New Year’s resolutions this year, I was more concerned with finally getting down to visit Washington DC and trying to interrupt less often. I guess I don’t put “stop being single” high enough on my priority list. And maybe it would help if “Find a great guy” was my first instinct, and not just what I wish I had said on a re-read.
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6 Comments
“I’m doing whatever the fuck I want, and this does not put me in a good mindset to meet someone ”
Thats exactly where I am in life….
Posted Monday, February 11, 2008 at 4:29 pm | Permalink
You know the old adage, “You’ll meet someone when you least expect it.” So, my advice is to continue to put your best foot forward (you never know who you’ll meet, whether it’s for a job or relationship), but don’t focus all your energy on trying to find a man. Enjoy your life as it comes…cause being single is pretty fabulous. Really, we only spend a short amount of adult years without a relationship. So, enjoy it while you can, girlfriend!
Posted Monday, February 11, 2008 at 7:00 pm | Permalink
you sound like you’re rocking in the same boat as my big sis. She really would love to meet a great guy and settle down but the effort it takes is sometimes demanding or she’s bored with the same old haunts. You’re right, you need to switch it up a bit and actively pursue finding a catch…easier said than done, I know, I know…
Posted Monday, February 11, 2008 at 10:27 pm | Permalink
I split up with mine on christmas eve and i spent the holiday season in part misery but part drunken state!
Doing whatever the hell i wanted. So for new years i didn’t make any resolutions as they only get broken the day after when you are not so pissed and considering i worked on NYE i didn’t see the point in making pointless promises.
As much as i would love to find Mr Right as the habitual valentines leech likes to call it i want to think about ME!
I am doing better than i ever have in college and even though work is stressful i am getting on with it. Just ME and noone else to worry about.
Posted Tuesday, February 12, 2008 at 6:48 am | Permalink
I tend to believe in the “it’ll happen when it’s supposed to” theory.
But I think that’s just because I’m lazy.
Although it could be the way that you present yourself when you’re not trying to impress anyone.
In this city of posers, desperate wanna-bes, and the tragically hip, I think the mens genuinely like a “real” gal.
But what the hell do I know.
I’m dating someone who had a crush on me in jr. high.
We were introduced a few months ago.
Posted Tuesday, February 12, 2008 at 5:58 pm | Permalink
Oy, this is all I’ve been thinking about over the last few days … and it was made worse by sitting at a coffee shop next to the most well-behaved, adorable little girl who made my ovaries hurt. Anyway, I think the way I’m leaning toward is just being more intentional rather than What The Heck about the whole thing. Like, embracing & being comfortable with the fact that home and family are things I want rather than hiding behind my tough-career-chick fantasy. I dunno. It’s tricky, tricky, tricky.
Posted Tuesday, February 12, 2008 at 9:05 pm | Permalink
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